Every fiber of your being longs to finally meet that special someone and do life with them.
You know it's more than falling in love and saying deep vows at the altar.
You want your future marriage to last, and you're ready to go the extra mile to make that happen.
I love that you're taking responsibility for your future marriage.
So sit back and let these little pieces of wisdom guide you as you prepare.
Increase Your Self-awareness
Before letting someone into your life, you need to know yourself.
You need to know the kind of person you are because it will help you decide who you're marrying.
What are your likes and dislikes?
What triggers you in a good or bad way?
What are your deal breakers?
Where are you currently at in life?
Where are you headed to?
You need time to form your own convictions about certain things.
Many people have made the mistake of jumping into marriage without self actualizing to some extent, only to evolve into a version of themselves their partner can't handle.
That's why you need to do a deep dive into studying yourself.
I'm not asking you to become self-absorbed. I'm saying you need to understand your unique wiring and who you see yourself becoming.
You'll still discover more versions of yourself in marriage, but having foundational knowledge of yourself will help choose the right kind of person for the different versions of you.
Heal Please!
You have baggage.
We all do, and it could come from a broken home, childhood wounds, or the ghosts of past relationships.
However, the pain isn't the problem.
Not healing is!
Healing is the messy process of acknowledging those hurts and integrating the lessons so you don't bleed on the person who didn't cut you.
It helps you release the hurts so you won't bleed on the next person.
Some people think healing is too much work. They'll rather hide under the cover of ‘I’m fine’, box their emotions or use coldness as a cover to keep people out.
I don't blame them though. Healing isn't easy, neither is it linear.
However, not healing will sabotage you (and others) in ways you might never recover from.
Past hurts distort your psyche and make you create beliefs that are abnormal.
I once watched a podcast where a lady said men should be raised from prison, and the other ladies agreed with her.
Shakes head
You've probably heard statements like:
Men are scums
Women are gold-diggers.
Statements like these are made by people who have been emotionally scarred, and not self aware enough to get healing.
That's why I believe healing should be a requirement before dating anyone.
It keeps you open to love, and helps you not to project your pain into your next partner.
Plus, you'll learn how to regulate your emotions through different seasons of pain and hurt.
Become Emotional Mature
We tend to forget that relationships are largely emotional.
I really believe that part of the reason many marriages break is because one or both partners lack the emotional capacity to handle the relationship.
Many people haven't learned how to communicate their hurts without sounding critical or condescending.
Some would deliberately ghost their partners for weeks.
Imagine giving your partner the silent treatment for two days because they forgot to do the dishes.
Maturity is being able to say, 'I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy; can we talk about a cleaning schedule?' instead of weaponizing silence
See, if you want a wholesome marriage in future, you need to learn how to handle conflicts.
It doesn't matter how peaceful you are. You're going to disagree with your partner.
So start practicing different conflict resolution techniques instead of sweeping things under the carpet in the name of peace.
You want to be the partner who apologizes when they offend their partners, who listens when their partner expresses themselves and takes responsibility instead of shifting blame.
You want to be that partner who shows restraint during conflict instead of turning your partner into a verbal or physical punching bag.
If you are emotionally mature, you won't go off on your partner, insult their parents, their body or bring up mistakes they made 4 years ago.
You'll fight the problem, not your partner.
Become Financially Responsible
Marriage is the worst place to handle money with levity.
Studies have shown that money issues are one of the top 3 reasons for divorce.
You can not afford to be reckless with money, otherwise your marriage will suffer.
Love is good, but love with someone who's responsible with money, clock it!
My dear single, you need to be actively practicing the 3 M’s: making money, managing money and multiplying money.
You need to earn something no matter how little. I encourage you to invest in learning skills that are needed in the job market.
Add a bunch of complimentary skills that will catapult you into the high earning circle.
When the bills pour in, and trust me, they will especially when you have kids, you'll be happy you know how to secure the bag.
Earning well is only half the battle; managing it is where the war is won. Before you say 'I do,' have a 'Money Date' with yourself.
Practice the 70/20/10 rule: live on 70%, save 20%, and invest 10%. If you can’t manage a small paycheck as a single person, a joint bank account in marriage will feel like a minefield.
Put your money into asset classes that give you returns periodically. You don't need to have millions to invest. Many fintech apps allow you to invest with as little $1.
Just make sure you thoroughly vet any investment so you won't incur losses or get scammed.
Your money needs to be working harder than you.
Saying you weren't taught as a kid is no excuse. You have the whole Internet with dozens of information about money.
And finally on this subject, you also need to know how to protect your money and how to distribute your legacy. You don't want your family stressing over where money is after you're gone.
So my dear, learn how to delay gratification, avoid bad debt, build wealth and spend on only what is valuable.
Work On Your Communication Skills
Communication is a big issue with this generation.
Instead of having a heart to heart conversation, we gossip, ghost or air our grievances on social media.
Yet we wonder why our relationships are all vibes without depth.
For couples, some would rather talk to a friend, not with the intent to resolve things, but to shame their partners.
Sigh!
Please and please, if you want to have an intimate bond with your future partner, you need to know how to talk to them.
Not in a passive aggressive fashion, but in an assertive manner.
Being assertive means replacing 'You always make me feel unimportant' with 'I feel unimportant when you stay on your phone while I'm talking.' The first is an attack; the second is an invitation to connect.
Master the 'I' statement now, while you're single, so it becomes your default setting in marriage.
You also need to learn to speak kindly even when you're upset with your partner.
You might not get it right all the time. In fact, you might need to call in a third party from time to time, and it should be someone whose counsel helps you to resolve any misunderstanding.
It's not only about communicating your needs, you need to learn how to listen, to hear both spoken and unspoken words, and to deeply understand your partner.
Strengthen Your Character
At the end of the day, the best partner to marry is the one who has character.
If you're kind, loyal and faithful and you attract someone like you, how beautiful would your relationship be?
All these silly stories about affairs and abuse won't be an issue because you're committed to treating your partner right.
As a single, practise virtues like the ones I mentioned earlier.
Learn to create and assert boundaries.
Protect your heart from contents and relationships that glorify toxic and selfish behaviour.
Build yourself into becoming someone you respect. Improve your integrity quotient, which is, mean what you say and say what you mean.
Preparing for marriage is about becoming a better version of yourself every day.
You're never going to be 100% ready for the beautiful complexity called marriage.
Marriage isn't a destination where you suddenly become ready.
It’s a garden that reflects the work you did before you ever planted a seed.
Pick one area from this list and commit to one small shift this week.
Your future self (and your future spouse) will thank you.