5 Ways To Build Real Self-Confidence, Without Faking Anything

On a scale of 1-10, how confident are you?

If you're honest, it's probably less than 5. 

Or maybe you feel more confident in some areas than others.

Much of what we call confidence is performance wrapped as noise, but real confidence is quiet and undeniably weighty.

If you're looking to build the real thing and finally be at peace with yourself, here are five principles that actually work. 

1. Keep Small Promises to Yourself

So you say you want to be more confident yet you keep breaking your promises. 

You promised to wake up early but you snoozed the alarm a dozen times when it went off. 

You said you will apply for that job but that Netflix movie has your undivided attention.  

You said you will stop checking your ex's profile, but you’ve scrolled through his entire social media accounts up to his very first post.

You've broken so many small promises to yourselves that you no longer believe your own word. 

Don't you know every time you do that, you tell your subconscious you cannot be trusted?

It's no wonder you lack the guts to take on any challenge because deep down, you have a track record of failing yourself.

Confidence comes from trusting yourself and you can rebuild self-trust by starting small. 

If you said you'll drink a glass of water when you wake up, do it!

If you've decided to be fit, go to the gym.

Don't wait for willpower. More often than not, we're less willing to do the things that move us towards our goals. 

I prefer systems. Yes, systems make it easy for you to take action even if you don't feel like it 

Part of your system could be having an accountability partner. And it should be someone who won't fail to call you to order when needed. 

I know this firsthand and let me tell you, I've seen more progress in my life compared to the times I depended on my will. 

There's also something called decision fatigue. 

When you spend too much time deciding what to do, it won't be long before you take the easy way out which is doing nothing.  

Each time you keep a promise to yourself, you deposit a coin in your trust bank. Over time, those coins add up. 

And one day, you realize you actually believe yourself when you say you will do something.

Real confidence is not about being great. It is about being reliable. And reliability starts with you.

2. Separate Your Worth From Your Performance

Back then, I was a brainy kid. 

Whenever I did well, I got attention. I was praised by the teachers and other kids were told to copy me. 

That's how I began tying my worth to my performance. I would go above and beyond to deliver any task I was assigned to because I craved validation, not necessarily because of the thrill of completing a task. 

And I'm sure many people are in this boat. 

The danger to this is whenever your performance falls short, your confidence gets shattered.

If you get the job, you feel valuable. 

If you don't, you feel worthless. 

If people like your post, you feel important. 

If not, you feel invisible, depressed even.

If nobody compliments you, you feel like a mess. 

Do you see the problem? 

Your worth is attached to things that have nothing to do with your actual value as a human being.

You have to learn to detach your worth from your performance. 

Failing that course doesn't make you less lovable.

Making that mistake doesn't make you a bad person.

Your best or worst day doesn’t make you less valuable. 

I understand it's not easy. Society always praises those who seems to be doing so well.

We have been conditioned since childhood to perform for approval.  

However, if you want to level up your confidence, you need to stop letting failure and success define you.

3. Stop Outsourcing Your Validation

Not to brag, but I am a physically attractive woman. 

The kind of attractive that makes you stare twice and wonder if I came from a different planet.

And when my outfits ate, the compliments that poured in were more than the funds in my account.  

Don't get me wrong. Compliments are sweet, and it's okay to desire validation especially from the people who matter in your life. 

The issue was I got moody whenever nobody told me how good I looked.

One day, I sat myself down and asked:

“If nobody ever complimented you again, would you still believe you are enough?*

The painful answer was no.

I was addicted to external validation.   

I would replay conversations to see if I impressed someone, or count the number of compliments I got that day.

Instead of enjoying myself, I started performing for other people's approval. But the more I performed, the more exhausted and desperate I became.

It took time but I learned real confidence means you have an internal source of validation. 

You believe you are enough especially when nobody is clapping.

Before long, I became my biggest cheerleader. If anyone acknowledged my looks, I accepted it and moved on. If nobody did, nothing changed about how I felt. 

Life went on.  

If you're sick of waiting for someone's else approval, you start by doing things that you enjoy.

It doesn't matter who sees you.

Donate money anonymously. 

Help someone who cannot repay you. 

Work on a skill without announcement. 

Keep a journal documenting your own win.

In short, become the person whose opinion of you matters most.

As long as you need the crowd to cheer, you are their prisoner.

4. Do the hard things

Lately, I've been reviewing my life and I noticed a pattern. 

Whenever I did the hard things that moved the needle, I felt this surge of confidence. 

But when I procrastinated for a long time, I started doubting my capacity to handle big things. 

See, confidence is not the absence of anxiety. 

Confident people are anxious all the time. The difference is they have a higher tolerance for discomfort.

Think about public speaking. A confident speaker still feels nervous, their heart still races, and their palms still get sweaty. 

But they have learned that those sensations are not dangerous. They have learned to feel the fear and talk anyway.

If there's anything you want to get good at, you'll have to go through the awkward phase. 

That is your rite of passage into becoming a more confident version of you doing that thing.   

Sometimes, the discomfort does not go away because you're now confident. You become confident because you stop running from the discomfort.

So start small. Do one thing every day that makes you slightly uncomfortable. 

Speak to a stranger. 

Share an unpopular opinion. 

Ask for help. 

Admit you do not know something. 

And the best part is, when you do hard stuff, your capacity increases. 

So do that scary thing. 

Your future self and confidence will thank you. 

5. Stop Comparing Your Reality to Other People's Highlights

I know you've heard this a dozen times, but comparison is the killer of joy.

It kills your confidence and undermines your effort, which is the worst thing you can do to yourself. 

I know it, you know it, we know it and yet we still do it.

You look at someone who seems to have it all together. 

They are successful, attractive, popular, happy.

And then there's you, feeling sorry for yourself. 

 

Why can't I be like them? Something must be wrong with me. 

Dear, the only thing that's wrong is your mindset.

You're not seeing their flaws.

Not their mistakes.

Not years of sweat, blood and tears.

But some carefully curated highlights brought to life by filters and catchy captions.

 

And I know social media hasn't made it easy. 

You open IG and you're seeing your classmate who got a penthouse.

Next is a reel showing a couple having dinner on a skyscraper. 

We have a front row seat into too many people's lives. 

Look, everyone is insecure about something. The people you admire are not more confident than you. They are just better at hiding their doubts.

That's not to say some people aren't genuinely happy. They are. 

But many of them are too busy living in their moments.

So stop comparing. Your biggest competition is your yesterday self. 

Darling, run your own race.

 

When you are focused on your lane, you do not have time to stare at the person next to you.